I tried to be ok... I tried my best to be... Haha! I guess, I somewhat succeeded... But still at the back of my mind... Hindi pa din.
I went to live with my Lola for 3 days. To rid myself of the problems I'm encountering... Pero wala pa din... But I did have my attention diverted, pero it never fails to shift back to that... Shit...
Later na nga lang ulit...
Hurray! October finally ended... I do hope the heartaches are also going away with it...
In 13 days, I'll be 19 already. I'm wishing for things to be a whole lot better than how they were... I mean, I did hurt him, he did hurt me... No question about that. And I am honest enough to admit my faults.
Ok one sad part... I told him about his account being updated. Then I checked... Yes, I did know his passwords then, but what would I get naman if I hacked them di ba? So I told him, 'cuz the profile's been updated... Tapos I was accused pa of tampering with his account... I mean, we're not in really good terms but WTF?! What would I get if I do that...
Anyhow, we do text... And he was there for me when I was down the dumps last night after my mom got pissed at me, but when I asked him if he would leave me... He won't reply. Being the assuming person that I am... I texted him whether his silence meant yes... But he said... no... I believe you.
We just got home from the cemetery. Had a blast with my cousins, siyempre I tried so hard to hide my scars. I did have fun, but I am still not happy with how my life is... And as I turn another year, I hope that I'll be happy. With the people around me... With him... I wish that things would be a whole lot better now... Then I blew my top kasi he wouldn't reply. No, I wasn't mad at the fact that he won't reply... I was mad because after everything we've been through... I am allergic of having to wait then I fear whether I'm waiting for nothing... For that's what happened between us. So Baby ko, I'm sorry... I'm just afraid that you'd throw me again once more.
And if that happens... I dunno what I'd do.
I am looking forward to a better month... I really am... Later again.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako pilit naniniwala sa kabalastugan niya. Siguro nga mahal ko... After ko gawin at ihinto lahat ng balak ko, para di ko siya saktan... Pilit pa din ang panlilinlang.
Why do people turn cold, after telling you they are there for you? Lahat ba ng tao likas na plastik? And why the fuck do you still believe them?
No I wasn't looking for a kakampi... Pero I just think I should fucking clear my name. Hindi lang po ako ang nanakit... And for Pete's sake, pwede hindi lang naman siya ang involved sa relationship na to! I was hit a coupla times, and I did hit him too... But for the record, HE THREATENED TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE. At sabi niya, he said it to stop me from killing myself... Putangina, sana tinuloy na lang niya.
According to him, si chiq lang ang pinagsasabihan niya about the fights. Well apparently not... Alam ni friend. Then he tells me I should keep my silence nalang for the both of us?! Bitched!
Sige... Papaniwalaan kita, baby. Pero sana wag mo na akong gawing tanga. You made me look so mean, when in fact ikaw mismo you weren't nice... Oo, sinaktan kita... Pero bilangin mo lahat ng words naten, mo... They're more than enough to hurt me and cut through you and me. Oo, friends mo sila... Ayaw mong siraan ka, pero ako sinisira mo na din pala...
Siguro nga tama si K, people tell you things that you want to hear to make you feel better... To stop you from hurting, pero yeah... Killing me is something that will make me feel better and not feel hurt... And telling me you wouldn't leave me, then doing it will make me feel a whole lot better... Siguro nga its like that...
But I love you... And I said I'll believe you... Even if you keep on lying. Mahal kita dahil sabi mo sa akin... Mahal mo din ako. More lies, if I may... I will love you.
Ok so we talked, we did try to work things out. The evilness in me, went somewhere... I can't bring myself to hurt him... I did try my best to do it, pero no, I just can't. I can say a whole lot of nasty words, pero my heart stops me...
I can't hurt him... I can't even if I did try, my heart bleeds as I do it.
Ewan ko ano mararamdaman ko right now. All I know is I'm in deep shit... My life's falling apart, and I try to smile about it. I'm losing faith in God. I'm losing faith in myself... I'm losing who I am.
To those who think na nagpapaawa ko... No, I have much bigger problems. You just don't know what they are, and I try to null about it.
Nag trigger lang yung sa amin.
Sad, but true...
GINAWA NIYA AKONG TANGA, PINAASA, SINAKTAN... AT NGAYON HIHINGIIN NIYA ANG FRIENDSHIP KO... WOW, TAPOS AKONG PAGBINTANGAN... HINDI DAW NIYA AKO SINAKTAN, PERO PINAASA LANG... PINAULANAN NG SANGKATUTAK NA I LOVE YOU... PERO WHAT CAN I DO SUPER I FEEL THE ANGER...
ISIPIN NG LAHAT ANG GUSTO NILA ISIPIN. SOBRA SOBRA PA ANG PAIN NA GINAWA NIYA SA AKIN, AND ITS JUST RIGHT NA BUMALIK SA KANYA, IN THAT CASE... I CAN SAY, WOW... BUHAY NA AKO...
PATI ACADS NAKABINTANG SA AKIN... LAHAT NAKABINTANG. WAG SIYA MAG-ALALALA... HINDI KAMI MAGIGING FRIENDS. AFTER EVERYTHING NA GINAWA NIYA SA AKIN... I CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME LIKE SHIT, THEN WANTS TO BEFRIEND ME. DI NA SIGURO... ITS ALREADY TOO MUCH. MAN, SOBRANG SAMA NG UGALI KO... PERO WHAT CAN I DO... I WAS REALLY HURT. I WAS REALLY MADE STUPID BY THIS PERSON NA SOBRANG MINAHAL KO, THEN WHAT...
LALAYASAN AKO AFTER EVERYTHING NA SINABI NIYA.
I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN... NOT THIS TIME. DAHIL SA ILANG TAON NA MAGKASAMA KAMI... SASAKTAN NIYA AKO NG GANUN GANUN LANG. HAAAY, TALK ABOUT MEAN... EVIL. PERO DUH, PAPATALO BA AKO DUN? NO. THE BLOOD WHICH RAN THROUGH MY ARM LAST NIGHT FELT AS IF IT WAS THE WAKE UP CALL, NA PUTANGINA... GINAGAGO BAKIT KA PAPAYAG. THEN I REALIZED, OO NGA NOH.
SO GINAWA KO YUNG AYAW NIYANG GAWIN KO.... THE CUTS HURT, PERO ITS MORE THAN THE PAIN... IT MADE ME REALIZE NA SOBRANG NAGSAYANG AKO NG PANAHON, PAGKATAPOS AKONG PAASAHIN AT PAG-ANTAYIN SA WALA...
IT CAN'T BE...
LALABAN AKO, NAKASUGAL ANG MARAMING KAIBIGAN, RELATIONSHIPS AND ALL... PERO HANDA AKONG MAWALA YUNG MGA YUN AFTER ALL THE PAIN NA ININFLICT NIYA...
